Sextape: A Gentleman’s Guide to Getting Some Tail
If you’re planning on gaining access to your special someone’s naughty bits this weekend, you may want to keep your eyeballs and ear lobes erect for my advice.
As all gentlemen know, sometimes it requires careful effort to get your sweetheart in the mood for some tender lovin’. I know what most of you are thinking: “I’ll cook her a nice dinner, seafood perhaps. Then we’ll watch a romantic comedy/drama together (and I lie about liking it) while I get her tipsy. Not too drunk though. Works like a charm every time.”
If the wine/dine/movie combo does to your girlfriend what the bell did to Pavlov’s dogs, well then, Prince Charming, you obviously know everything there is to know about romancing a lady. Go and get them naked hugs!
But what if, despite your best and highly predictable courting efforts, you still encounter some unwanted drought when hitting downtown? Sure, there are substances to fix that, but don’t you want to make the magic happen 100% naturally? How else can you be sure she’s not just faking, Romeo?
”How do I do that?” you ask with a hint of desperation in your voice. Well bro, you gotta lube up her soul first. And what’s a more natural medium to do that than through music! If your first thought is to whip out that acoustic guitar and serenade her: no. Just no. Instead, a sensual soundtrack – not by you, I cannot stress that enough – is what you need to get the Pavlovian dame drooling. Another alternative is for you to be Ryan Gosling or Ray Liotta circa 1990–1994 (I’ve heard).
”Jazz is always a romantic option,” you think. ”Or James Blunt. All chicks dig Blunt.” WRONG! Other ones to avoid are “Don’t Worry Be Happy” and “Hooked on a Feeling” by The Hoff. Let’s face it, you’re a man, and have no idea what women like. So you may want to write these following pointers down.
It’s a scientific fact that every decent seduction playlist contains “Bump N’ Grind” by R. Kelly, “Pony” by Ginuwine, complete with “My Neck, My Back” by Khia. Or if she’s the kind of gal who likes it rough, the whole discography of Rammstein usually does the trick.
However, your classy lady might need classier tunes than that. That’s where these two* super sexy mixtapes by the French** producer Drixxxé step in to support your wooing efforts. Both sextapes are insanely hot mixes of songs from 1970s softcore porn films. And who doesn’t like 1970s softcore porn? Ask your parents even!
Try adding these sweet background tunes into your usual “1) nibble the ear 2) suckle on the teats 3) caress the buttocks” foreplay routine. Listen, reap the benefits, and enjoy!
What if this doesn’t work? Then dude, I can’t help you. She’s probably frigid.
A selection of vintage erotic & porn movie soundtracks (L’initiation, Teenage twins, The devil in miss Jones, Tongue, Emanuelle e le notti porno mundo, Bon appetit, Comme un pot de fraises, Vampyros Lesbos, Summer school, Laure, Madame Claude…)
*) Unfortunately, the first Sextape was removed from SoundCloud at the time of publishing this post. Here’s hoping it will be available again soon…
*) Everyone knows French people are the best at doing the sex. It’s basic biology.
(Inspired by Dangerous Minds)